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TURNING 40: THE ART OF GETTING OVER MYSELF

I’m turning 40 soon. And if I’ve mastered anything over these years, it’s the art of helping other artists, musicians, and producers sharpen their skills, find their sound, land their wins. I’ve been the guy cheering them on from the sidelines, subtly wondering why the hell it never felt like my turn.
Why aren’t I successful?
Why can’t I break through?
Why’s no one listening to my music?

Took me four decades to figure it out:
I’ve been the stubbornest motherfucker in the room.

See, what I’ve wanted all along isn’t some complicated mystery. I wanted to make a living doing what I love—music. Simple. But every time that question creeped in—

WHAT DO I ACTUALLY WANT?

—I’d dodge it. Because deep down, the answer scared the shit outta me.

I’ve walked away from more opportunities than I can count. Solid, steady chances at the life I claimed I wanted, right there in front of me. The catch? I’d have to give up a little control. Make something people actually wanted to hear. Loosen my death grip on “perfection.”

But I wasn’t having it.

I didn’t give a fuck about the audience.

I straight-up (not literally) spat in the faces of label owners who saw potential in me and offered me real, career-changing shots. I p’shaw’d at peers who made sacrifices I thought were beneath me. I wore self-sabotage like it was some kind of badge:

“No, man. Gotta stay pure. I’ll be famous when I’m dead. This shit’s mine.”

Thought I was being principled. Thought I was setting myself up to be one of those artists whose music outlives ’em, only appreciated after they’re buried six feet under.

Reality check?
That’s not noble. That’s naive.
A great way to die broke, bitter, and unheard.

FAST FORWARD TO NOW

So here I am now. Still the musician. Still the producer.
Still the guy who thought he knew everything when he started.
Turns out… didn’t know shit then.
Probably know even less now.

But one thing’s different—I’m not bullshitting myself anymore.

I’ve got wins under my belt. Plenty more failures. Enough hiatuses to fill an encyclopedia. Times when I questioned if I even liked making music at all anymore.

But somehow, I’m still here.
And now? I’m humbled. Vulnerable. Focused.

It took a whole series of brutal wake-up calls to see the truth:
I spent years building a glass cage around myself.
Not because I was scared of failing—
but because I was terrified of what would happen if I succeeded.

I told myself I couldn’t sell out. Couldn’t compromise. Couldn’t make moves without losing myself.
What a joke.

I clung to the fear like it was protecting me. Like it was keeping my art “pure” when really, it was keeping me stuck.

BREAKING MY HABIT OF SELF-SABOTAGE

So what changed?

I stopped hoarding.
Stopped hiding.
Stopped burying songs like acorns I’d never dig up again.

I used to drop a release, get a few people hyped, then vanish.
Didn’t want anyone judging it.
Didn’t want anyone telling me it was “good” when I needed it to be earth-shattering.
So instead, I’d go dark. Start over. Chase some uncatchable standard of perfection.

And where’d that get me?

Years gone. Opportunities missed. Joy drained out of something I loved because I couldn’t handle being seen as “just good enough.”

Now?
Now I know I actually do want the things I’ve been daydreaming about all my life.
And I’m finally ready to work for them.

No more disappearing. No more glass cage.

It’s not about selling out.
It’s about showing the fuck up.

And leaving the fear behind.

ARRANGEMENTS

I often have to take breaks from creating things that were meant to be a finished product. Why does something always have to be a product? Why does something always have to be “finished”? This is the concept behind my SoundJournals project, which will go till I stop breathing probably. It is my feeling that as an artist it is sometimes important to embrace the spirit of “play time” — making things that were never meant to amount to anything. Several of my SoundJournals eventually turned into finished products, while some of the project files might never be opened again. The point is to not only switch over my brain to the pure mentality of simply making music in the moment without worrying about conventional deadlines or the question of “where am I taking this?” The point is that it doesn’t matter in this, or it’s not really supposed to.

So with my this “Arrangements” thing I’ve been working on, I’ve been grabbing MIDI files and deconstructing them, then re-imagining them into something completely different. It’s been a fun project to work on because I look at myself as taking a small break, but that doesn’t mean I am stopping making music all together. I’m just not writing an album, set to release a track, or trying to hit a deadline with a client. This is purely just me remaining active in my own way. For me it’s a wonderful way to keep my music muscles active but also explore new concepts in all the musical factions and departments. Plus I get to learn the compositions of music I love along the way.

MISSISSIPPIN’ MEDITATION

Here is a video I recorded around the time I first moved to New Orleans, Louisiana. This might even be the first time I walked along the shores of the Mississippi, at least one of the first times. There is nothing like a southern sunset. I’d just walk along looking at the mangroves, watching the large cargo ships coast up and down the river… and eventually there would be a bench in the most perfect spot where I could just contemplate everything in a state of peace. I miss these moments. I live back in my home state of California now, in a place that has two intersecting rivers, but nothing beats the Mississippi. It’s everything that novelists wrote about.

One who knows the Mississippi will promptly aver, not aloud but to himself, that ten thousand River Commissions, with all the mines of the world at their back, cannot tame that lawless stream…” – Mark Twain

Music and footage by SUBQUiRE Instrumentation: Acoustic piano, Sequential Pro3, Serum, Omnisphere, Ableton Live

A LAKE AT PEACE

Lake Pontchartrain. This is a clip I took when I lived in New Orleans, Louisiana, at one of my favorite spots: the walkway along Lake Pontchartrain. I would ride my bike all the way from the Marigny, sometimes 7 days a week, and sit watching the boats pass and people run by, waiting for the glorious sunset that happened there almost every night. These were tranquil moments where I could meditate, read, gather my thoughts. I spent much of the beginning of the COVID lockdown here. I set this to a clip from a live jam I performed with my Sequential Pro3. Enjoy 🙂